Mind: shut the F$@K up!

my brain will not stop spinning,
it swirls around day and night,
strongly wishing and a hoping
just doesn’t seem to be working right
because of that damn thing, my mind…
won’t shut the “F” up!

Why can’t I turn the lights out up there?
just stop yelling at the next class already.
School will re-start in the morning
so, damn it, shut the “F” up already!!

I can’t even think in class, driving at dinner
Work might as well be in the past.
I’ve tried everything I can think of…
oh but wait, how can that be
when only one percent is open to me?
Open? you ask? YES!
my daydreaming mind only left me a dime.
Shut the “F”ront door right now!!! I need time.

So, brain, eyes, ears, hands and feet, mouth, nose, tummy and toes all agree:
Shut the F*@K up!!!!

let. us. sleep.

 

 

just a reminder, fetured photographs are copyright of rambling of a brown.haired clutz

gaining back trust

i failed my sister when she was young,

made the worst impression for marriage,  life, more

to one, I loved so much.

nearing 36 I feel like 16, with no knowledge of who I am,

this mind of mine fails me every time.

gaining back trust, not only from her but everyone I lost,

this shall be my goal:

get better; rise above the darkness; stay out of bed; get out of my head…

I will gain back my own trust to find myself again.

little big lies…

Little big lies, what others need not know,

That hides behind a mask, so prime with rose-colored glass.

Shove down, deep, deep, deep into the pits of the dryest desert well,

Never shed, always dread the tears that you may as well weep, do tell.

Little big lies, what others never can know,

You hear their cries, yet can never reach out even on tippy-toe ice.

Hide the fear from others’ view, make them see a healthy you,

Let their eyes know nothing but joy, and never seek the latter side to a toy.

Little big lies, what others can not understand,

The Visions you see outside of man.

In light, in dark, in sleep, in wake,

They come to me and make me shake.

So, now you see, I only lie to stay outside,

For if you knew the truth I’d be locked up to die, still telling…

little big lies

Her tears fall down from heaven in streams,

my shame eats at my soul.

Please, oh please, forgive this daughter of yours,

mother, while I try working hard for a new day.

Hear my cries and end the streams,

of this never-ending sorrow.

I promise to wake up soon, one day,

never spilling red waves on the tiles of the morrow.

 

Just Trippin’

get out of bed: trip on my rug

walk in the kitchen: trip on the cat

go to the car: trip over feet

walk in a door: trip on a seem

talk to a man: trip on my tongue

try carrying bags: trip on a root

need to stop trippin’: gonna start screaming!

Alone within a crowd of 30

In halls and lines with masses mixed and twined, I am alone.

In the theater, with crowds growing and filling to the max, I am alone.

In the school and at the museum with excitement in the air, I. Am. Alone.

Alone in my home with six others near…

Alone in my car with two people here…

Alone in my head with thoughts drownding dear…

Breath, please let me be, ALONE.

I can’t take the cacophony in my head, in my bed.

Take an ax to it all, make it end instead.

Make it all end! alone.

sigh –

Just because I am in a crowd of 30, does not mean I don’t feel that I. am. alone.

-30-

I want to be the stranger starring back at me

See that girl there in the mirror?

The one starring back at me,

All smiles and confidence, with sass in her eyes?

Who is she? Where’s she from? 

She looks so happy and carefree I want her to be me!

I want the love she must have and joy she radiates,

I want to laugh, not cry nor hide my life all day,

I want to be that girl in the mirror looking back…

Wait, that’s me in the mirror, but I don’t feel that way

That’s the image I show the world every day.

So this is the goal? To smile in true form?

It will take much time to make myself glad for me,

The way I wish and encourage others to be.

I must now follow the path of the vain

So that I may maintain, a more healthy view of my self

Then I shall become the girl in the mirror.

Grief, loss, depression: Dreams of Death hunt my every hour

I thought it started in 2014, the year both my maternal grandfather and dad died, that my grief took my bipolar from simple ups and downs of a roller coaster that it finally became to a nose dive into the pits of hell.

But, in reality, that was not even close to were my path of upheaval began.

They say that many actors, artist and those with the creative touch have a bit of madness about them…I believe it very much. I live this too much in my strange reality that is my so-called life. Born in 1982, to high school sweethearts, I had underdeveloped lungs along with a few other problems. These do not bother me that much now. What does? What bothers me now is how often I think of death.

Death. The death of my three grandfathers, my daddy, my memaw, my cousin who was too young to die; I think of them all the time. And, I think of my own little deaths. The death of my innocence at the tender age of 5. The death of friendships, both past, and present due to moves or my behavior.

Death is in my waking and my sleeping thoughts and I can never escape it. This Reaper won’t leave me be. Death hunts me in my dreams and the images can be cruel while in the light of sun you would think they would burn from my mind, but no they can be even more wicked and I shudder.

Today, I emptied a full bottle of pills, not vitamins, with the intent to take them all. At this point, I put them back in and placed them next to my other meds. Bipolar is a Bitch to shake.

I am unstable and school, I’m to start classes again in about 5-6 hours. I’m not going, again and this time is the last try. I need to admit myself to the hospital. I have never taken the pills out like that. I’ve put them in pill boxes but not this way. I can’t do this. I just can’t. I have fucked up!!!

Back to my original statement… sorry for Rambling – I warned you with the name of the site, so no complaints on that. yeah?

My point is that my grief started when I was too young to know what that and loss were. A little kid doesn’t know, and shouldn’t need to know what this kind of pain of loss, physical, mental and emotional are.

Now, as an adult, I don’t know what I am doing. I am lost and feel like I am a drag of society. I am not ignorant. Far from it. I have higher learning and if my life hadn’t been hell I would have more than one degree my now, but I don’t. I don’t even have my first BA. With this, I feel shame. I see this as a fail on my part in life. I pace in my mind over and over hoping I can do it by knowing I can’t.

I love life, learning, kids, nature, art, music, dance, cultures, history and everything about our world; and yet my mind hates me.

Smiling on the outside, doing my best to let people know they matter to the world, I down my own self daily and never wish the same thing for me.

 

 

Above photos feature people I have lost

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